The Terrorism of Love
by Jeff Whipple © 2001-6
Two acts, one set
2 males, 3 females
SET
The time is the present. An empty stage with a chair-size box for sitting. There are no references to any type of room: just bare walls, no windows or doors. There are entrances on all sides of the stage. There is a video game controller with a joystick near the box.
They are all reasonably attractive, college-educated people of any race. They wear stylish, casual clothing.
ANGIE, 30ish
SUE, late 30s
MIKE, 30ish, wears a shirt, tie, blue jeans
CATHY, 22
ACT ONE
(Stage dark. MIKE, SUE and CATHY are on spread across the stage. ANGIE is downstage left, lying on her side, curled up as if she’s sleeping. SMOKE lightly fills the stage. STANLEY enters upstage and we hear his heavy steps. A SPOTLIGHT fades up downstage right and Stanley walks into it and plants his feet wide like an athlete ready to shoot a basket or hit a ball. He is wearing a large lightweight overcoat, sunglasses and a baseball hat with the logo of the local pro baseball team. He whips open the coat like a flasher and reveals plastic wrapped brick sized packs strapped to him with duct tape. Nails are taped on the packs. Electric wires are strung from pack to pack and there is a cord dangling from the center of his chest. He looks up over the audience and begins speaking loudly and ecstatically in an unknown foreign language. The others on stage can be seen in the glow of the spotlight on Stanley. Mike, Sue and Cathy see Stanley but are not sure how to respond. They are puzzled and frightened but cannot move away. When Angie hears Stanley talk she slowly rises to watch him in awe.)
STANLEY
(He gestures to the Gods above whom he speaks to.)
Err lick too vane eck lack meekoo sum! Wan let manna eye ento marklet no manna eye meekoo sum! Endo lok mergonto manna eye meekoo sum! Err lick too vane eck lack meekoo sum!
(Stanley smiles and reaches to pull the cord attached to his chest. Just as he tightens the cord, Angie yells.)
ANGIE
Wait! Everything’s different now.
(Stanley freezes in his movement. FULL STAGE LIGHTS up. The others on stage, except Angie, are horrified but they relax slightly. They don’t move from their position but none of them are frozen. They watch as Angie crosses toward Stanley. She circles him and looks him all over; a curiosity that she’s trying to understand. Stanley notices her but tries to ignore what she’s doing and saying. He lets go of the cord and his hands go to his sides.)
ANGIE continued
(Speaks to the audience but continues to study Stanley.)
It’s a busy day at one of those big assed department stores and this guy comes in. You see it over and over the next day on the news. Slow motion, stop frame, zoom in to the highlighted circle on his face as he turns down an aisle. He’s clean shaven. Normal looking, actually. But he didn’t take his sunglasses off. Why? (She begins to demonstrate how the bomber performed, crossing the stage and circling around the others.) In the video he’s walking down the aisles. It’s like he’s trying to get psyched up. He was kind of bent forward, not looking at the merchandise. Not a glance at the toasters or rice cookers or juicers. Not a hint of interest in windshield wipers or chrome cleaners or rubber fishing lures or Tupperware or even 44D cup bras, which I can never pass without staring. The video switches to different security cameras as he goes from lingerie to toys to hardware to house paint to picture frames. He’s like a dog looking for a comfortable spot to sleep. There’s no sense to it but he knows when he’s there. He goes through hobbies and towels and then for some reason he chooses ladies shoes. Why? Was it symbolic? A statement about feminism?
MIKE
Maybe he thought leather pumps would make good shrapnel.
SUE
(A sickened laugh)
That’s sick.
CATHY
It’s creepy.
ANGIE
Then he pulls open his coat. There are all these things taped to his chest. Boxes covered with sticks.
MIKE
That would be nails.
SUE
Oh my God.
ANGIE
And he starts yelling something.
MIKE
What?
ANGIE
The video doesn’t have sound. I’m not sure if it was even in English or what. All you can see is he’s yelling important, emotional things about something and…and….and then they do another zoomed-in circle highlight and you can see he is smiling. I mean like really happy. And his eyes, his eyes are so intense. Not frightened. Just…so purposeful. And then they show another angle that…
SUE
Wait! Wait!
ANGIE
(Broken out of her trance.)
What?!
SUE
He had sunglasses on.
MIKE
How’d you see his eyes?
(Annoyed.)
I don’t know! It just seemed like they were intense. Alright?!
(Surprised at her ferocity.)
Yeah, sure.
(Back in her vision, building passion.)
Then they showed another angle and shoppers are running away from him. A rack of video games gets dumped over. A kid holding a balloon is trampled. Batteries are spilled across the floor.
(Stanley looks up, closes his eyes and smiles.)
SUE
I don’t think I want to hear this.
CATHY
I really don’t.
(Stanley reaches for the cord.)
ANGIE
The guy reaches to his chest and pulls a string or something and then….
(Stanley jerks the cord. BLACKOUT. A loud rock guitar blast is heard and it zips into a short blaring solo followed by drums crashing and then fading as the lights go up full on stage. STANLEY is gone and Angie is standing where he was. Her eyes are closed and she’s smiling while facing up above the audience the way he did. Her hand is in a fist against her body, as if she just pulled the cord. The others are where they were and are staring at Angie.)
SUE
(After a few beats.)
Angie?
(Angie slowly comes back to consciousness. She relaxes and looks around.)
You alright?
(Angie looks at Mike and smirks while shaking her head. She crosses to circle around him.)
ANGIE
(Speaking to the audience.)
What I don’t get is people who are killed by a suicide bomber are always called innocent bystanders. What’s that about? Who ever heard of a guilty bystander? Why not just call them, I dunno, simply killed bystanders?
Nobody wants to be simply killed. It’s a depressing underachievement.
SUE
They’re innocent because they’re just standing there. They aren’t fighting anyone.
CATHY
Yeah. Like they’re just going shopping or something. I really hate the idea of getting killed just because I needed new underpants. I mean, that’s so not what I want to die for.
(Sue sighs. She loves Cathy but can’t fix her.)
ANGIE
But how do they know they’re aren’t fighting anyone? They could all be terrorists.
(Wry, teasing.)
They’re innocent bystanders until proven guilty bystanders.
(Ignoring Mike.)
So, what they’re saying is if you’re not fighting in a war, you’re innocent. Right?
MIKE
Who the hell cares, Angie?
ANGIE
I do. And you should too. You’re the one who analyzes everything to death.
MIKE
No I don’t.
ANGIE
You do so.
MIKE
I do not!
SUE
Yes you do!
CATHY
He really does!
MIKE
Alright! I analyze things to death! But I’ve never done it in a crowded bus or a Wal-Mart.
ANGIE
(Back to her thing, mostly addressing the audience.)
But are soldiers really there by choice? What makes them more guilty than bystanders?
CATHY
Guns! (Realizes it’s a dumb answer and struggles to improve it.) I mean, you know. Guns shoot things. That’s like more guilty than a pair of lace panties, right? (Frustrated.) I don’t know! Why does it matter?
ANGIE
It just does.
MIKE
Um, let’s see. They are soldiers because of being born in a certain geographical location at a particular political time.
ANGIE
How does that make them guilty?
MIKE
Guilty by reason of fucked up luck.
SUE
Soldiers are part of the fight. Bystanders are just, I dunno…
CATHY
Buying underpants.
ANGIE
But what if the soldiers would rather be bystanders?
MIKE
They can’t. They’re under orders.
ANGIE
That doesn’t mean they want to be soldiers. So, they’re not guilty.
MIKE
Who cares if they’re guilty? It’s just a stupid figure of speech.
ANGIE
But they use it all the time, Mike. It must mean something.
MIKE
(Annoyed but accustomed to this from Angie.)
Well, then go to the department of figures-of-speech and blow yourself up. Shit!
ANGIE
(Still talking mainly to the audience.)
And what if one of the bystanders felt something toward the bomber? Would that make her less innocent?
SUE
What do you mean, “felt something”?
What if she actually liked the suicide bomber?
What?!
MIKE
Jesus.
(Tries to convince the audience.)
I mean, politics aside, what if I believed that the passion and intensity and purposefulness of the suicide bomber were extremely attractive? Even sexy.
Yuck!
How would that make a difference? What if I was in love with him?
Get out of here!
Then I wouldn’t be an innocent bystander, right?
MIKE
You’d be a moronic bystander.
CATHY
Yeah!
(Shows disgust with Mike, then shifts tone as she speaks casually to the audience.).
Mike just doesn’t do it for me anymore. He’s a bright guy. He’s got a good heart. But he’s so without passion.
MIKE
That’s not true.
SUE
It’s so true.
MIKE
(To Sue.)
Com’on!
CATHY
Are you two breaking up?
No.
ANGIE
Yes.
SUE
(Makes like she’s pulling a bomb cord.)
Boom!
CATHY
Wow!
(Mike is disturbed. He crosses counter to Angie who crosses to Sue.)
ANGIE
(Near Sue, touches her in passing. Speaks to audience.)
Lately, I’ve been thinking I’d really like to be with Sue. But that sucks because she’s in love with Cathy.
SUE
Angie!
ANGIE
(Crosses past Cathy and shakes her head in wonder.)
God knows why. Cathy’s so shallow.
CATHY
I am not! I’m super deep. (No one believes her.) I am!
SUE
(Crosses to sit on the box.)
You only desire me because I represent a major change in your life.
(Sits next to her.)
What’s wrong with that?
SUE
Talk about shallow.
CATHY
Since when are you in love with me?
SUE
(She didn’t want Angie to say that.)
It’s just a figure of speech.
ANGIE
Like “innocent bystander”.
MIKE
You’re a love bystander.
CATHY
I am not!
MIKE
We all are. And some of us are innocent. (He exits.)
CATHY
Why does anyone care about bystanders anyway? It’s the terrorists that are the problem! (Crosses to exit opposite of Mike.)
What’s with you and Cathy? She’s so empty headed.
SUE
She’s a comfort zone.
ANGIE
She’s an ozone.
SUE
Cathy entertains me.
ANGIE
You guys have nothing in common.
SUE
She likes to have fun. That’s one thing in common. And she doesn’t question everything all the time.
ANGIE
I don’t do that.
That’s all you do, Angie. It’s so tiresome.
ANGIE
What’s wrong with questioning things?
SUE
It’s annoying.
ANGIE
It’s how I figure the world out. Is there something wrong with that?
SUE
No, Angie. It’s fine for you. But for me it’s tiresome.
Have you had sex with her?
SUE
Angie!
ANGIE
What’s wrong with telling me?
SUE
It’s none of your business.
ANGIE
That means no.
SUE
I don’t need to have sex with someone to enjoy them.
ANGIE
That totally means no. What do you “enjoy” with her if you’re not having sex?
SUE
(She’s not proud of this.)
She likes video games.
ANGIE
Are you kidding?
OK, the games are disgusting. But it’s what’s she’s into and I like watching her have fun.
ANGIE
She’s an airhead.
SUE
She’s…simple. And that’s OK by me. Complex lovers always lead to complex problems.
ANGIE
I can be simple.
SUE
Ha.
ANGIE
She’s not going to fuck you.
SUE
Angie, that is not the only…
ANGIE
She’s too dumb to be a lesbian.
SUE
No she’s…. Stop it.
ANGIE
You’re wasting your time.
SUE
Well, she does have an annoying fixation on Stanley.
ANGIE
Stanley doesn’t know she exists.
SUE
I know. But she thinks her youth and cuteness will win him over.
ANGIE
It worked for you.
SUE
Yeah, it did.
ANGIE
Anyway, Stanley is unavailable.
SUE
Who’s he with now?
ANGIE
Not who. What. He’s going through a life transformation.
SUE
What’s he doing this time?
ANGIE
He said he’s joining the war on terror.
SUE
Really? On whose side?
ANGIE
Ha. I don’t know but I kind of think he’s got something big planned. He said he wants to do something that could get worldwide attention.
SUE
Oh my God. You don’t think he’d do something drastic?
ANGIE
Stanley is very ambitious. He gets what he wants.
SUE
But he’s not going to blow people up, is he?
ANGIE
These are frustrating times. Everyone wants to do something to fix things.
SUE
Not like that.
ANGIE
Anything’s better than apathy! Everyone’s part of this war. There are no innocent bystanders anymore. We’re all soldiers now, Sue.
SUE
No me! I’m a conscientious objector in the war on terror.
ANGIE
You can’t be.
SUE
Fuck that. I’m not buying into their perpetual war bullshit. I’ve got my own battles to deal with. Hell, I’m still fighting the war on depression.
ANGIE
(She’s very concerned, worried.)
How’s that going? You OK?
We’ll find out when the new pill kicks in gear.
ANGIE
What’s this one?
SUE
Shit, I don’t remember. A new prototype. It’s got the usual trademarked name from a distant galaxy. Which, I guess is appropriate. Zortran or Mooolafar or Megawingnut. What’s the difference? I just want it to let me get off again.
ANGIE
Off? Like…?
SUE
You got it. I haven’t had an orgasm in ten months. One of last year’s prescriptions locked the fun house and threw away the key. I’m going crazy!
ANGIE
Shit! That’s awful, Sue.
SUE
It’s really depressing, which of course defeats the purpose. It happened a few years ago with a different pill but I got the groove spot back pretty fast after I quit taking it. This time mama can’t find her sweet thang no matter how hard she looks. The doofus thinks it may be some lingering chemical attachment or some fuck up. He thinks this new one will get rid of the old one. But I don’t think he knows shit.
ANGIE
(Puts her hand on Sue’s.)
I’m sorry.
SUE
(Picks up Angie’s hand with both of hers.)
No big deal. Orgasms just make me scream and feel squirrelly. What good is that?
ANGIE
(Pushes her hand with Sue’s into Sue’s crotch.)
Maybe you just need help.
SUE
(Places Angie’s hand on Angie’s thigh.)
Oh no, sister. I’ve enlisted plenty of help, believe me. Nothing, flesh or mechanical works. It’s like the connection got lost. The weird thing is the only thing that comes close to getting me going is Cathy.
(Sue rises and walks away. Angie sort of follows.)
ANGIE
Cathy?! What does she do?!
SUE
That’s what’s weird about it. She doesn’t do anything. I think that’s what’s turning me on so much.
ANGIE
Because she won’t fuck you.
SUE
Crazy ain’t it?
ANGIE
Sue, I’ve been lying. I really, really don’t want to have sex with you.
SUE
It doesn’t work that way. It’s gotta be real.
ANGIE
It can be real. You disgust me. The sight of you makes me wretch.
SUE
Sorry. You can’t fool mama’s sweet thang. I’ve tried many times. See ya later, Angie.
(Sue exits.)
ANGIE
Bye. (After Sue is gone, to herself, very frustrated.) Why can’t it be easy?! Why does it have to be so impossible all the time?
(STANLEY enters from the same place as before and crosses to stop downstage right. He’s dressed as before. He opens the coat and all that ensues is a repeat of his first entrance. Angie watches, fascinated. LIGHTS fade to SPOT on Stanley.)
STANLEY
Err lick too vane eck lack meekoo sum! Wan let manna eye ento marklet no manna eye meekoo sum! Endo lok mergonto manna eye meekoo sum! Err lick too vane eck lack meekoo sum!
(He smiles and pulls the cord tight. BLACKOUT and then the loud guitar riff is heard.)
(LIGHTS UP. MIKE is standing where Stanley was. His hand is in a fist against his body as if he’d just pulled the bomb cord. ANGIE lays sideways on the box.)
ANGIE
You spend too much time in your head.
MIKE
Not true. I spend weekends in my armpits.
ANGIE
I ask you if you want a blowjob and you’re like thinking about it. I mean, it’s not something you need to analyze.
MIKE
I wasn’t thinking about it.
ANGIE
(Sits up.)
You were thinking, hmmm, Angie’s head bobbing in my lap or maybe I’ll check my email. Right?
MIKE
That’s an exaggeration.
ANGIE
That sort of thing should be hardwired, Mike. The words blowjob should go straight from your ear to your dick. No brain should stand in the way of blowjob.
MIKE
My brain wasn’t in the way. I just didn’t expect you to ask that.
ANGIE
Of course you didn’t expect it. Because your brain says you shouldn’t expect it. But anything can happen. A terrorist could run in and explode himself or you could get a blowjob. Anything can happen.
MIKE
So my options are either getting blown away or just getting blown?
Cute.
MIKE
I didn’t believe you really intended to give me a blowjob.
ANGIE
(Rises and crosses downstage left.)
Yeah, you’re right. But only because you thought about it too much.
MIKE
Thinking isn’t such a bad thing.
ANGIE
Thinking is a whore. Isn’t that what Martin Luther said?
MIKE
He said, “I have a dream…”
ANGIE
Not that Martin Luther. Idiot.
MIKE
(Smiles, he was teasing.)
He said logic is a whore.
ANGIE
Right. So, you shouldn’t do it.
MIKE
That never made sense to me. What does a whore have to do with logic anyway?
ANGIE
They both are fucked?
MIKE
Seems to me if you liked whores a lot, you might completely misinterpret what he said. You might think he meant that logic was really hot. That it gets you off.
ANGIE
But then you have to pay for it.
MIKE
Ahh, that can be a problem.
ANGIE
(Mostly to herself.)
And it costs too much.
MIKE
(Crosses to her, touches her shoulder.)
You can’t play if you can’t pay.
ANGIE
(Pushes him away forcibly. Steps back to confront him.)
Well, I’m sick of paying for it! Like you! That’s all you do! You pay your little logic whore for every dirty deed she does for you. You analyze everything. You don’t just do anything.
MIKE
(A realization.)
Ahhh, I get it now.
ANGIE
What?
MIKE
I know what this is really about. (A beat.) It’s about the shoes you bought today.
ANGIE
(Screams and falls to her knees.)
What’s wrong with me?!
MIKE
It’s post spontaneous purchase trauma.
ANGIE
It’s so insane!
MIKE
I’m sure there’s a drug for it.
ANGIE
And the worst thing is they’re too formal. I’ll never wear them!
MIKE
Spontaneity is just not your thing, Angie.
ANGIE
But I want it! Why can’t I ever just let go and feel good about it?
(Mike crosses to put a consoling hand on her shoulder. She leans into it.)
MIKE
It’s OK. Don’t worry.
ANGIE
(Jumps to her feet, recoils from him, instant anger.)
Don’t change the subject!
MIKE
I didn’t!
ANGIE
You always do that! I’m onto something and getting to a significant level of understanding and you’re putting your hand on my shoulder and saying, “It’s OK. Don’t worry.”
MIKE
What’s wrong with that?
ANGIE
I want to fucking worry about it! OK?!
MIKE
OK!
ANGIE
Tell me: Do you ever feel like you should just suddenly be something different?
MIKE
Like a horsie or a bunny?
ANGIE
No! Like a martyr.
MIKE
I’d rather be a bunny.
ANGIE
Can you imagine being so dedicated to something that it becomes all of you. That you allow yourself to be consumed by it?
MIKE
Are you talking about the shoes again?
ANGIE
Mike!
MIKE
(Teasing.)
It’s OK. Don’t worry.
ANGIE
Stop!
MIKE
Sorry.
ANGIE
I’m trying to make a point about you, dammit. You’re so inhibited. You’re enslaved by your brain.
MIKE
Not true! My brain lets me do whatever I think. I think.
ANGIE
You went online to look up product reviews before you bought a toothbrush.
MIKE
Did you know you can get carpal tunnel if the brush has a bad grip?
ANGIE
You keep spontaneity in a jar that has a safety seal.
MIKE
Ha! Well, product tampering is a serious crime.
ANGIE
Tell me this: Is there anything you really care about?
MIKE
You know there is.
ANGIE
I don’t mean your job, which I know you really couldn’t care less about. I don’t mean about our relationship, which you seem to care about, though I’m not sure it matters if it’s me or someone else. But what do you, you, Mike, what do you really care about?
MIKE
That’s a stupid question.
ANGIE
Don’t question the question.
We talk all the time about all kinds of things that I care about.
ANGIE
We talk about things that interest you. Politics, culture, movies, books, social justice. I don’t think they’re things that would make you change your life.
I don’t have to change my life to prove I care about something. But one thing’s for sure; if the Cubs ever make it to the World Series, I’m painting my face blue and red for a year.
ANGIE
I want you to die for something!
MIKE
Now?
ANGIE
I want you to want to! Show some motivation for God’s sake. Everyday people give up their one and only life because they believe something is more important than anything they will ever do. Nothing, no accomplishments in love, sex or profit could ever be as important. Is there anything that important to you?
MIKE
It’s a question of values. First, I believe the terrorists are delusional.
ANGIE
So what?! They believe it’s real! What else is there, Mike? You live your life through your brain. That’s where your reality is!
MIKE
I’ve always thought reality is a combination of perception, physicality and understanding. I think, I hunger, I go to MacDonalds and eat a Big Mac. Therefore, I am. Getting fat.
ANGIE
OK, tell me this: If you somehow believed, through “perception, physicality and understanding”, that the only way to save a busload of kids is by you dying. Would you? Or would you stand there while they burn to death?
MIKE
It would depend on…
It can’t depend! It’s your life or fifty children!
I have to assume that…
ANGIE
You can’t! It’s a split second situation.
MIKE
I know! But there are parameters that have to be established to understand how I would react. I have to assume that I didn’t put the children in that situation. If I did I’d feel a personal obligation to do something. But if I’m just a passerby, an innocent bystander, then it’s a matter of values. I end my only life to save 50 others or I…don’t. Maybe the bus company or bad roads are to blame but now I’m considering going to my death just by happenstance. If I’d taken another route or stopped to read a magazine, I wouldn’t have the question. A casual twist of fate. Is that worth dying for?
ANGIE
Aren’t the kid’s lives worth more than yours?
MIKE
How can I know that? What if I died and they all grew up to be terrorists? But if I lived, maybe something I eventually did could save thousands of lives in the future? Then it’s fifty terrorists verses thousands of innocent bystanders.
ANGIE
(Screams.)
You can’t think of it that way!
MIKE
You would.
ANGIE
(Painful.)
I know!
MIKE
You’d conduct interviews, have the kids pass exams. You’d have pie charts, spread sheets, testimonials from parents and teachers.
ANGIE
(Quietly, ashamed, hands over eyes.)
I know.
MIKE
It’s OK. Don’t worry.
ANGIE
(Explosive.)
Stop it! This isn’t about me, Mike! You keep asking what’s wrong with us and I’m trying to tell you! It’s you!
MIKE
(He’s hurt by this. It’s been an ongoing problem with them.)
What’s wrong with me, Angie?
The reason I’m asking you these questions is because I’m trying to figure that out. There’s something missing. Everything’s great but something terribly important is missing.
What?
It’s just who you are. And who you aren’t.
(Angry.)
So what should I be? Do you want a martyr? Is that it? Do I need to blow myself up to prove I have intense feelings for you?
That would be a start.
MIKE
Angie, I thought we were doing fine. What is it? Do you want me to do something different in bed?
ANGIE
It’s not about sex! You’re too removed from everything. There’s no connection. Just opinions. Just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
MIKE
What’s wrong with that?!
ANGIE
You don’t seem to ever feel anything.
What do you expect me to do?! Scream about the news? (Runs in circle, yelling in feigned terror.) People are starving in Somalia! Ahhhhhheeeeee! Multinational corporations abuse Third World labor! Aheeeee! Drug companies exploit the sick! Ahhhhhhhyeeeee! (Stops, acts normal.)
ANGIE
(Pause. Then calmly.)
That is not what I meant.
MIKE
Well, what, please tell me, do you mean?
I told you. There’s no wire that goes from your senses straight to your heart.
MIKE
You were talking about my dick.
ANGIE
Same thing. You think too much.
No I don’t.
It’s like that movie we watched Saturday night. Afterwards you were like, “Well, there is certainly a remarkable dichotomy in the motivations of greed and altruism within the alien community.” Remember that?
What about it?
Who would say that?
MIKE
(Confused.)
I did.
ANGIE
That’s what I mean! The space aliens ate people’s brains, Mike.
MIKE
Well, so what?
They were chowing down on brains! And you’re like, “remarkable dichotomy in the bla bla bla” about these horrible bug monsters who are wolfin’ it up on the gray matter of innocent bystanders.
MIKE
What does that have to do with anything?
ANGIE
What if it happened to you?! Your memories getting chomped out, one at a time! Chomp, there goes your kindergarten birthday party. Chomp, there goes the senior prom. Chomp, there goes the trip to Colorado! Chomp, your job skills! Chomp, your family! Chomp, your life, Mike! Chomp, chomp, chomp!
(A few beats in confusion. Then angry.)
What the hell is wrong with you today?!
ANGIE
(Near tears.)
I’m sick of you! You’re an emotional zombie!
I am not!
Yes you are!
MIKE
(Yells.)
I am not!
(Screams.)
Yes you are!
MIKE
(Screams.)
I am not!
ANGIE
You can’t react to anything without thinking!
MIKE
But you’re the same way, Angie!
ANGIE
(Erupts in rage, shaking her arms and jumping.)
I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! (Stops raging. Now pain.)And I hate it! I hate it, Mike. I want so much to really, truly, truly feel something directly. Right from life to my heart! Anything. Anything!
(Angie, near tears, stares at Mike for a few beats, then exits. Pause.)
MIKE
(Shaken, to himself.)
It’s OK. Don’t worry.
(STANLEY enters and crosses exactly as he did previously. Mike watches, fascinated. LIGHTS fade to SPOTLIGHT on Stanley.)
STANLEY
Err lick too vane eck lack meekoo sum! Wan let manna eye ento marklet no manna eye meekoo sum! Endo lok mergonto manna eye meekoo sum! Err lick too vane eck lack meekoo sum!
(He smiles and pulls the cord tight. BLACKOUT and then the loud guitar riff is heard.)
(LIGHTS UP FULL. CATHY sits on the box facing the audience, center stage. SUE stands a few steps behind her. Cathy is playing a video game. She watches the action on an imaginary monitor in front of her. Her fist is manipulating a joystick on the game controller while she flies a fighter jet in enemy territory. She leans to one side or the other as she sees the jet banking. She shakes when she blasts rockets or guns. As Sue watches she begins rubbing herself in the general area of her crotch.)
CATHY
Ohhhhhhh, yow! That was close! OK, OK, OK, OK, now, now, now. Blam! Blam! Blam! Gotchya, ya ugly scum sucking terrorist! Ha ha! Now where did he go? OK, OK, OK, OK, whoa! Lookout! Man, didja see that guy?!
(Cathy turns to glance at Sue who quickly moves her hand to a neutral spot. Sue nods as if she is actually paying attention.)
CATHY continued
(Back to the war.)
OK, OK, OK, now! Locked on! Blam! Blam! Blam! Eat that shit, rag head! Ha ha! Oh! There’s another hideout. Target on line! It’s comin’, it’s comin’! Go, go, go, go! It’s in! It’s in! Yes! Yes! Yes! I totally rock!
(Cathy cheers herself and turns to see if Sue is also excited. She is but not in that way and Sue instantly moves her hands from rubbing her breasts to clapping and smiling. Cathy claps too and gets back into the game. Sue continues where she left off.)
CATHY cont.
There’s another dirtbag. I got you, terror scum! I have visual. Target on line! It’s comin’, it’s comin’! Go, go, go, go!… Aw shit! Where did he come from?
(Cathy slumps, defeated. Sue’s mood is lost and she slumps when Cathy does.)
SUE
(She tries to be cheerful.)
Oh poor baby, your fighter jet go boom.
CATHY
I was almost there.
SUE
Me too.
CATHY
I shouldda seen that guy.
SUE
You’ll get him next time.
(Sue rubs Cathy’s shoulders.)
CATHY
I need to monitor the radar more. Oh, that feels good.
SUE
You’re all tensed up.
CATHY
I’m wired.
SUE
Killing and maiming people is stressful work.
CATHY
(Leans into the rubbing.)
Sure is. Mmmm, wow, that’s nice. It’s your turn to fly.
Oh, I think I’ve had enough high-speed death and destruction for today.
Oh com’on, we gotta get those guys.
SUE
They can wait until tomorrow. Anyway, you’re wound as tight as a drum.
CATHY
I am. I’m still like, blam! Blam! Blam!
(Cathy leans her head to allow more access for Sue to rub her neck.)
SUE
I can think of something more relaxing to do.
CATHY
Like what?
SUE
Um, well, we could lay on the sofa and watch a movie.
CATHY
Boring.
SUE
Is there anymore of that chocolate cake left?
CATHY
I ate the rest this morning.
SUE
For breakfast?
CATHY
That’s better than eating it after breakfast. Right?
SUE
I guess so.
CATHY
I wish you had a hot tub.
SUE
(She really, really means this.)
Oh, me too.
CATHY
That would rock so much to just soak in that hot water.
SUE
(Hopeful.)
The bathtub might work.
CATHY
Too small.
SUE
That’s not a problem.
CATHY
I bet Stanley has a hot tub.
SUE
(Doesn’t want to talk about Stanley.)
Stanley has everything.
CATHY
Yeah, he sure does. Cars, money, houses. Everything but me. Ha. (Sue pinches Cathy’s shoulders.) Ow!
SUE
(Walks away from Cathy.)
I don’t understand this thing you have for Stanley.
CATHY
What’s the puzzle? He’s rich and he’s handsome.
SUE
That’s not enough.
CATHY
Works for me! And anyway, he’s very smart. I like smart men.
SUE
No you don’t.
CATHY
I do so!
SUE
All the guys you’ve dated have been airheads.
CATHY
No they… OK, some were kinda dumb, I guess.
And every one of them turned out to be a shit.
CATHY
(Disturbed and flustered.)
That’s just co… co… co…
SUE
Coincidence?
CATHY
Yeah. So you can’t make science out of it. Anyway, Stanley is a very successful businessman. He’s way smarter than my ex-s.
SUE
Success in business does not equal intelligence.
CATHY
Well, making millions of dollars is pretty dang smart in my book.
SUE
That’s a pretty thin book, Cathy.
CATHY
I like thin books.
(Sue thinks for a few beats and then crosses to kneel next to Cathy. She puts both of her hands on one of Cathy’s knees.)
SUE
Stanley doesn’t care about you.
CATHY
Maybe he will.
SUE
(Rubs Cathy’s thigh as if it’s just a casual massage.)
He won’t. He can’t. Angie told me he’s going to totally change his life.
CATHY
How?
SUE
I’m not sure. But it won’t be pretty, I’m thinking.
CATHY
Maybe he just needs a new girlfriend.
SUE
I’m thinking it’s more like forty virgins.
CATHY
What?
SUE
That’s what it sounds like.
CATHY
He’s not that rich.
SUE
Forget about him. You’d just be disappointed again. Wouldn’t it be better to be with someone who really cares about you? Someone who wouldn’t expect you to be anything or change anything?
CATHY
(She puts her hand on Sue’s to stop the rubbing. Calm, serious.)
Sue, I don’t want you to be in love with me.
(Cathy pushes Sue’s hands off her thigh. Sue stands and steps back, hurt. Cathy turns to focus on the video game again. She has to transition her thoughts off Sue and Stanley and back to terrorists. As Cathy gets absorbed into the game during the next lines, Sue sadly exits.)
CATHY cont.
(She revs up and starts working the joystick.)
There’s my new boyfriend, Sue! He’s got a messy little beard but he’s really, really rich. Yes, I know you’re there! You’re on my radar screen, baby! I see you behind that camel. Com’on out and give Cathy a big ol’ terror kiss, OK? There you are. (Screams.) Target on line! It’s comin’, it’s comin’! Go, go, go, go! It’s in! It’s in! Yes! Yes! Yes! I so totally rock!
(Cathy continues playing the game. She’s following the movements of a fighter jet, banking when it does and diving.)
CATHY
OK, OK, OK…Nope! Damn, nobody home...hmmm, where are ya now? I know you’re there somewhere… You can’t hide forever. I will find you and then we will get it on, big time. Let’s see. How about…? Unh uh. No. No. Ahh! There you are my little terror muffin. I see you. I see youuuuu…. Com’on outta that cave and give Cathy some sugar. That’s it. Just a little bitty bit more…Yes! Target on line! It’s comin’, it’s comin’! Go, go, go, go! It’s in! It’s in! Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No! No! Uh oh!
(A missile is coming at her and she yells and covers her eyes. Cathy falls back on the box as if she’s dead. MIKE enters, deep in thought. He crosses a long way before he notices Cathy.)
Are you OK?
A terrorist killed me.
MIKE
Oh. Have you seen Angie?
CATHY
No. Have you seen Stanley?
MIKE
Not today.
CATHY
Is he dating anyone?
MIKE
(He looks where Cathy’s video screen would be.)
Yeah, he’s fallen in love with a tall dark man with a scraggly beard.
CATHY
(Sits up quick.)
What?! (She follows Mike’s eyes to her screen and realizes.) Oh. Don’t do that.
MIKE
He was seeing a girl for a few months. But it’s over now.
CATHY
What happened?
MIKE
She became a terrorist.
CATHY
Com’on!
MIKE
No, really. She was like stalking him. He had to get a restraining order.
CATHY
Wow! What was wrong with her?
MIKE
She played too many video games.
CATHY
Mike!
MIKE
I really don’t know. I never met her. Stanley said she was great until she suddenly flipped out.
CATHY
Man! It’s like those people you hear about who you work with for years and then they suddenly snap and shoot the hell out of you because you ate their jelly donut. I hate that!
MIKE
It’s a strange phenomenon. It’s just a matter of keeping values under control. People get too wrapped up in material possessions or sex or love and when something even very minor falls out of their narrow spectrum of normalcy, they go berserk.
CATHY
(Left behind.)
Right.
(As Mike talks, Cathy gradually gets back into her video game.)
MIKE
(Turns from Cathy, talks to himself but includes the audience as he crosses downstage.)
I see it as a ludicrous perversion of values. They think love is so important that they must kill the person they love and then they kill themselves. How can that possibly make sense? What twisted thought process allows that to happen? If you believe in anything, but love in particular, that’s based on being alive. When you’re dead, it doesn’t matter. Life is a closed circuit and love exists within that. There aren’t any outside parameters. If you love someone so much that it makes you want to kill them, it cancels itself out. Well, especially if you kill yourself too. It’s as if a particular value can become so valuable that it loses all…
(Cathy sees a terrorist on the video screen and erupts into attack mode in full volume. Mike is as startled as he would be if a bomb exploded.)
CATHY
(Screams.)
Target on line! It’s comin’, it’s comin’! Go, go, go, go! It’s in! It’s in! Yes! Yes! Yes! (She makes victory gestures and smiles at the screen before she notices Mike is watching.) You want to kick some terror butt?
MIKE
(Shaken.)
Uh. No. No thanks.
CATHY
It’ll make you feel better.
MIKE
I feel fine.
CATHY
You don’t look fine. You upset about Angie breaking up with you?
MIKE
We haven’t broken up. We’re trying to work it out.
CATHY
Sounds like she’s already decided.
MIKE
I think I can fix it.
(Cathy begins flying her jet again but still talks with Mike.)
CATHY
Takes two to tango, Mikey. Why don’t you ask Sue out?
MIKE
I don’t think I’m her type.
CATHY
Sure ya are. She loves to talk all the time.
MIKE
Cathy, she likes girls.
CATHY
(Looks at Mike with shock.)
Oh my God! (Smiles, goes back to her game.) I know! But she likes boys too. Give her a try.
MIKE
I’m not giving up on Angie.
CATHY
Angie’s weird. You’re a cool man. She should just figure that out and shut up.
MIKE
Thanks.
CATHY
I mean it. You’re totally cool. I dated guys who make you look like the freaking pope. One guy tried to kill me.
MIKE
Really?
CATHY
And I think he raped me. But before it happened I took my clothes off and got in his bed so I don’t know if it counts.
MIKE
When did this happen?
CATHY
Oh, um, three boyfriends back. He chased me with a cordless drill. Those things scare the bejesus out of me anyway. (She makes two drill sound bursts as she holds a pretend drill that jumps in her hand violently.)
MIKE
Did he hurt you?
CATHY
Just my leg. Doctor said I was lucky he used a small bit. I’m like, what part of lucky comes from a jerk drilling a hole in my leg?
MIKE
What happened to him?
CATHY
Oh we broke up. Like pronto.
MIKE
I mean, did he go to jail?
CATHY
Little while. You want to see the scar? (Points to her thigh.)
MIKE
No, that’s OK.
CATHY
It’s just an itty-bitty white dot now. Hurt like a motherfucker when he did it.
MIKE
I’ll bet.
CATHY
What does Stanley like to do?
MIKE
Oh I don’t know. Why?
CATHY
Does he play video games?
MIKE
I don’t think so.
CATHY
(Stops playing for a few beats, disappointed. Then hopeful.)
Maybe he just hasn’t found the right one.
MIKE
Maybe.
CATHY
(Back to her game.)
I’d like to show him mine sometime. Everybody wants to kill terrorists.
MIKE
You know, Cathy, I don’t think Stanley is going to go out with you.
CATHY
Why not? I’m really cute. Right? You better agree because I have a missile launcher in my hand.
MIKE
Yes, you’re the cutest terrorist killer ever. But I think Stanley’s going through a phase.
CATHY
What? Is he going gay? I’m so sick of that!
MIKE
No. I guess he’s just trying to find himself.
CATHY
I can help him. I’m great at finding things. I found a lost sock in my freezer this morning. I’m like pulling a piece of cake out and there it is. Argyle. I have no fucking clue whose it is.
MIKE
Have you ever like, you know, thought about, you know, going out with me?
CATHY
(Can’t keep from a short laugh.)
No.
MIKE
I mean, if I’m not with Angie anymore anyway.
CATHY
(Can’t keep from a short laugh.)
No.
MIKE
Oh. OK.
CATHY
I’m sorry, Mike. You’re just not my type.
MIKE
Why? Stanley and I have a lot in common.
CATHY
There are millions of differences between you and Stanley.
MIKE
(He gets it.)
Oh.
CATHY
(Rises, crosses to give him a kiss on the cheek.)
But otherwise, you’re perfect.
MIKE
(Sighs.)
Thanks.
CATHY
(Crosses to exit.)
And I know you would never drill my leg. And you’d never put a dirty sock in my freezer. That is so gross! Ugh!
(Cathy exits. Mike feels lousy.)
(STANLEY enters and begins to cross exactly as he did previously. Mike jumps up and confronts Stanley but keeps a distance. Stanley is broken out of his trance by Mike and stops, perplexed.)
MIKE
Oh no you don’t! Get the hell out of here! I mean it!
(ANGIE enters casually from the opposite side and is shocked by what she sees.)
MIKE continued
You have no idea what you’ve done to me. Everything I’ve ever… (He gets emotional.) ever believed in has been altered and...broken. You’ve done enough damage! Get out!
(Stanley appears frightened, confused. He hesitantly takes a step back where he came from.)
ANGIE
Wait!
(Stanley stops. He’s got one hand on his coat, ready to open it.)
MIKE
(To Angie.)
Stay out of this!
(Angie runs toward Stanley but Mike stops her. She struggles to get out of his grip.)
ANGIE
I need him!
MIKE
I need you!
ANGIE
I don’t want you!
(Mike is damaged by that and his hurt allows Angie to shove him violently away. Angie runs toward Stanley and stops about three feet away, staring at him intently. Stanley is startled and takes a step back. He thrusts open his coat and grabs the cord tight. It’s a stand-off now and all three are wide-eyed and breathing heavily from fear. Pause.)
MIKE
(He’s very hurt. Tries to be calm. He steps downstage, speaks to audience.)
It’s the notion of how we become who we are that fascinates me. I can’t believe it’s all a result of our own free will. It’s got to be a co-relationship between chance and choice. The end product that we call ourselves is not entirely something we should take credit for. I mean there’s a helluva lot that’s purely the result of happenstance and chemistry. (Sad laugh.) It’s so ridiculous to believe we are the masters of our own destiny. What a crock of shit that is. We’re just passengers in a taxi in a city we’re only vaguely familiar with. We tell the driver where we want to go but there are so many variables. The roads may be clogged with traffic. There are dead ends. The driver may be taking the long way to rip us off. He might be stupid. He might be drunk!
ANGIE
Your driver can’t find the steering wheel.
(Mike looks at Angie and Stanley and it hurts him to see her so obsessed with someone else. He walks around them. They glance at Mike but they’re more concerned with confronting each other. Angie reaches out to touch Stanley’s bombs. Stanley steps back and Angie stops trying.)
MIKE continued
(Speaks to the audience as he walks.)
People are so proud of who they are. As if! Oh, I guess they are responsible, in a way, but so much of it is chance. A genetic lottery determined how they look. Their birth confines them to certain geographic and social limitations. Accidents, parents, luck, are all bigger factors than choice. (Laughs) So I’ve been wondering about how much the balance is towards pure unrelated chance and how much is towards our direct intent. I’m not convinced that we have the dominant control here. I mean, do we choose to love someone because of who they are? Or because chance and fate spun them into our arms? And if I’m in love with someone by random chance, why does it hurt so much when random chance takes her away?
ANGIE
(Yells to Stanley.)
Do it!
(Stanley smiles and pulls the cord tight. BLACKOUT and then the loud guitar riff is heard.)
(Lights up. MIKE and STANLEY are offstage. ANGIE is in exactly the same position and very emotionally drained. She stares into the space where Stanley was. Sue enters from the opposite side and speaks to Angie’s back.)
SUE
Angie, I’ve been thinking. If you and Mike are, you know, well, I’m wondering if it’d be OK with you if, I, you know.
ANGIE
(Doesn’t turn to face her.)
What happened with Cathy?
SUE
That puppy ain’t gonna hunt.
ANGIE
Sorry.
SUE
I’m OK with it. Sort of.
ANGIE
Yeah. Sure. Mike’s a free agent. Even if he doesn’t know it.
SUE
It won’t make you uncomfortable?
ANGIE
I don’t know. I mean will I feel bad that you’re with him or him with you? Doesn’t matter. Do what you need to do.
SUE
Thanks.
(Sue turns to leave but then Cathy runs in from the same side Sue entered. Cathy is excited and frightened.)
CATHY
Can you believe those fuckers did that?
SUE
What?
CATHY
You didn’t hear it? My office windows were like vibrating.
SUE
Was that a bomb?
CATHY
Fuck yeah! They blew up the mall!
SUE
Oh shit.
CATHY
Poof! Gone.
SUE
Oh my God.
ANGIE
(Slowly becoming aware of their conversation.)
What?
SUE
Another bombing.
ANGIE
(Concerned, crosses to them.)
In the mall?
CATHY
Thirty-one killed.
ANGIE
Fuck!
SUE
Oh no.
CATHY
They put it in a package. It looked like a present or something. Some lady went to open it and kapow.
ANGIE
Jesus.
SUE
It’s like gift-wrapping death.
CATHY
You can’t go anywhere anymore.
ANGIE
Do they know who? Or why?
SUE
What’s the fucking difference?
CATHY
Terrorists are all hundred percent assholes so it makes no matter why they do what they do. They should just all be killed. Period.
ANGIE
Everything’s different now.
SUE
(Angry, redirecting her shock and sadness.)
That’s the stupidest cliché ever. I’m so sick of hearing that kind of shit. The world is smaller. We’ve lost our innocence. We’re all in this together. United we fucking stand. It’s like greeting cards for the end of the world. (She looks at an imaginary card and reads the outside and then inside.) For a friend who’s been blown up. Everything’s Different Now. (Hands it to Cathy.)
ANGIE
But it’s true, Sue.
SUE
Not for me!
It’s all twisted around. The terrorists are us.
SUE
We’re not running around killing people!
CATHY
Really! God, Angie!
ANGIE
I don’t mean we’re doing that. I mean we’re just like them.
CATHY
No way!
SUE
We are not like them. They have a whole different way of thinking about everything.
They’re too stupid to think.
ANGIE
We’re part of the same thing. Everyone is.
SUE
That’s ridiculous.
Totally.
ANGIE
But we are!
SUE
Stop!
ANGIE
But…
SUE
Shut the fuck up!
(Sue is disgusted with Angie and gets away from her by crossing downstage where she speaks to the audience. While Sue talks, MIKE enters upstage with a shoebox wrapped in decorative paper, a ribbon and an envelope. Angie and Cathy are watching Sue so they don’t see him. He places the shoebox on the floor and exits quickly.)
SUE continued
(To audience.)
After the towers fell I actually was feeling pretty good. I mean for the first time in my life it seemed like everyone else was more depressed than I was. Serious depression was the norm and by contrast I was happy as a clown. Everybody was like, ahh this is terrible, the world sucks, life is meaningless, bla, bla, bla and I was like all bubbly and cheery. Pissed people off. My therapist, what a jerk, my therapist said something’s wrong. He was like, “Everyone feels bad now, Sue, so it’s OK. Go ahead, relax, let loose, be…depressed.” I’m like, whose side are you on? He told me it’d cause some long-term health problem if I didn’t get depressed about terrorism. Like I’m repressing so much negative feeling that my liver will fail or something. He told me I had a chemical imbalance. He gave me a prescription for a drug that can cure that. Wonderful.
ANGIE
All I’m saying is that any of us could be a terrorist if we were pushed far enough. It’s not like they are some kind of mutated human. They’re just normal people who believe so much in this world that they are willing to die to make it better.
CATHY
They want to make it worse. They’re not humans, they’re like insects.
SUE
(Crosses to be with them again.)
OK Angie, I’ll agree that terrorists start normal. But when they kill people they’re totally not…whoa!
(Sue is near them when she notices the shoebox and freezes.)
ANGIE
What?
(Angie and Cathy quickly follow Sue’s gaze and see the shoebox. They jump in fright and back away from it.)
CATHY
Holy Jesus motherfucker!
ANGIE
You think?!
SUE
Yes!
CATHY
Shit!
SUE
We better call the cops!
ANGIE
No!
SUE
Angie!
ANGIE
Somebody put that there for us.
CATHY
Fucking duh! Let’s get outta here!
ANGIE
The terrorists don’t know who we are. This is from somebody we know.
(Angie carefully approaches the box.)
SUE
What are you doing?
CATHY
Stay away from it!
ANGIE
(Close enough to read the envelope on the shoebox.)
It’s got my name on it.
CATHY
Hello?! That means you need to run away!
(Angie kneels to slowly, carefully touch the envelope.)
SUE
Angie! Don’t!
(Cathy and Sue crouch low, fearful of a blast.)
ANGIE
(Slides the envelope up very cautiously, like someone diffusing a bomb.)
It’s for me and I want to know why.
CATHY
Wait. They’ll tell you on the news tonight!
(As Angie lifts the envelope off the box it’s as if she cut one wire from a time bomb and they all sigh relief. But the danger still exists. Angie stands, opens the envelope.)
SUE
OK, now just come over here and leave the box for the bomb squad.
ANGIE
(Stays near the shoebox, pulls a card from the envelope and reads it.)
Dear Angie. Everything is different now. Love, Mike.
SUE
Oh, what has he done?
CATHY
(Singsong.) Cooo Cooo, he’s a nutcase. (Normal voice.) Com’on, Angie, let’s go!
(Angie kneels with the box before her. She takes a deep breath in preparation for opening it.)
SUE
Angie! Leave it alone!
CATHY
I’m outta here!
(CATHY exits. Sue is very frightened and backs slowly offstage. Angie reaches to slowly grab the ribbon with one hand and holds the shoebox with the other. It looks like she’s going to pull the ribbon the way Stanley pulls his cord.)
SUE
Angie, please!
(SUE runs off stage. Angie stares intently into the shoebox. Then she rips the ribbon off. BLACKOUT and we hear the loud guitar riff.)
ACT TWO
(Lights up. ANGIE is where she was at the end of Act One. The shoebox is now unwrapped and open. Angie is holding a sleek new high heel shoe. Pause as she looks it over with wonder.)
SUE
(Offstage.)
You OK? (A few beats.) Angie?
(SUE enters and walks cautiously toward Angie. Angie stands and admires the shoe, turning it over and over.)
CATHY
(Offstage.)
What’s going on?
SUE
(To Cathy.)
It’s alright, Cathy. It was nothing.
(CATHY enters crouched low and waits near stage edge.)
CATHY
You sure?
SUE
It was just shoes.
CATHY
Maybe it’s a shoebomb!
SUE
I don’t think so.
ANGIE
It’s really beautiful.
SUE
Yeah, I’ve seen those online. They’re hot. And very pricey.
ANGIE
I know. What was he thinking?
(Sue looks inside the box.)
SUE
Just one?
ANGIE
Yeah.
CATHY
(She’s cautiously gotten closer to them.)
That’s weird.
SUE
Looks like Mike is trying to say something here.
ANGIE
Too late.
(Angie throws the shoe back into the box with no more interest and walks away.)
SUE
Why? Those shoes cost a buttload. He loves you, Angie.
ANGIE
It’s one shoe, Sue. One fucking shoe.
SUE
Well I’m sure he’s going to give you the other one too.
ANGIE
Well, yeah. After I submit to some kind of formula he’s worked out to make us a couple again.
SUE
He’s never restricted you. He just wants a commitment.
ANGIE
And that’s not a restriction?
SUE
Angie, don’t be a shit.
CATHY
Yeah. Mike is a super guy. I don’t know what your problem is.
ANGIE
He’s a super nothing.
SUE
Angie, com’on.
ANGIE
OK, he’s alright. A standard issue culturally aware and sensitive new age man. But I’m over him. He’s all yours.
SUE
I can’t be what you are to him. You two have so much in common.
CATHY
Totally. You’re like mirrors.
ANGIE
Well maybe that’s the problem.
SUE
You could do a lot worse.
CATHY
Really. Stay away from guys with power tools.
ANGIE
It isn’t about doing better or worse. It’s about what I need.
CATHY
And stay away from guys with socks. Ugh! So gross.
(Angie and Sue should probably look at Cathy for a few beats.)
ANGIE
I want someone else now.
SUE
Who?
CATHY
Stanley?
ANGIE
No. Stanley didn’t work.
SUE
What do you mean? When?
CATHY
Ah hah! She’s the terrorist!
SUE
What?
CATHY
Mike said Stanley said a crazy bitch was stalking him.
ANGIE
Really? Huh. Well, I guess he could describe it that way.
CATHY
He had to get a restraining order.
ANGIE
It wasn’t an order! It was a warning. That’s different.
SUE
You and Stanley had an affair?
ANGIE
(Doesn’t want to talk about it.)
I don’t know what it was. I mean, there was some fucking involved and that was alright...
CATHY
(Hands over ears.)
Wah ooh wah ooh wah ooh
ANGIE
…but that’s not what I was looking for.
SUE
What then?
CATHY
His money, honey.
SUE
I don’t believe that.
ANGIE
I didn’t care about his money. But his success was a factor. Stanley isn’t a mystery. He’s got it all figured out.
SUE
That didn’t happen over night.
ANGIE
I know, I know. But that’s not my point. I wanted to be with someone who isn’t in transition. Someone who is already complete. (She’s still trying to understand.) But then he changed. And it was like he went back to zero. He went back to transition.
CATHY
Why were you stalking him?
ANGIE
I wasn’t. I just wanted him to explain why he changed. He couldn’t.
SUE
Well, how many times did you ask him?
ANGIE
(Laughs.)
I don’t know. A hundred or two, probably. Fifty times a day, maybe.
CATHY
No wonder he called the cops.
SUE
Why didn’t you tell Mike?
ANGIE
I couldn’t.
SUE
Well, you know, that may have made all this easier for him.
ANGIE
I guess I wasn’t ready to give up on him.
SUE
That’s not fair.
CATHY
That sucks.
ANGIE
I know! It sucks. It’s not fair but fair sucks too.
SUE
You have to tell Mike it’s over, you know.
ANGIE
It’s not obvious?
He won’t believe it until you tell him. You owe him that much.
ANGIE
I don’t know if I can.
SUE
Well, then why do you want to break up with him?
ANGIE
I don’t know! I just have to. That’s all.
(Angie thinks about that as she crosses downstage left. Sue and Cathy gather upstage center.)
CATHY
Well who’s the new guy?
ANGIE
(She’s speaking more to herself, toward the audience.)
He’s not anyone in particular.
SUE
He has a personality disorder?
ANGIE
(Laughs.)
No! I mean, he’s a type of guy. I guess he could be a girl too.
SUE
He’s versatile.
CATHY
Does he/she have a job?
ANGIE
He has an obsession.
(STANLEY enters as he has previously and moves to his usual spot. Angie turns to face him. Cathy and Sue see him but don’t react to his threat. They are more focused on Angie. Stanley holds his coat closed, ready to open. He stares directly at Angie.)
SUE
Does that pay well?
CATHY
What’s the benefit plan?
ANGIE
He’s found something bigger than life.
SUE
Where was it hiding?
ANGIE
He’s got amazing strength.
SUE
He’s a weightlifter?
CATHY
They’re no fun. All they do is flex their butt muscles. Really. This one weightlifter guy who was with me, that’s all he ever did. (She cups one hand over her bicep and flexes as she looks down at her butt.)
ANGIE
(She stares at Stanley in awe.)
He’s willing to give up everything for what he believes in.
CATHY
Man, they’ll say anything to get in your pants.
ANGIE
He believes that his life could never be more important than it is right now.
CATHY
I know! He’s a pizza delivery boy!
SUE
What?
CATHY
Who’s more important at a party?
ANGIE
(She crosses to Stanley and rubs her hands all over him.)
I just want to touch him. I want to connect to his being. To absorb him.
CATHY
Now he’s just the pizza.
ANGIE
I want to open him up and look inside.
(Angie pulls open Stanley’s coat. He just watches her, confused but not protesting. Sue and Cathy can’t see what’s under the coat.)
SUE
And what treasure do you see?
ANGIE
(Breathless.)
I see tape.
(Sue and Cathy look at each other, confused.)
SUE
Hunh?
ANGIE
I see wires.
Kinky!
ANGIE
I see nails.
SUE
(Concerned.)
Oh my!
CATHY
What the hell?
(Angie is overcome by desire. She puts her arms around Stanley, under his coat and presses into hug him. Stanley’s arms are out as if he’s afraid to touch her or push her away. MIKE enters. He carries a shoe that matches the one in the shoebox.)
ANGIE
I want to rub my breasts into his explosives.
SUE
(Very confused.)
Holy shit.
ANGIE
(She kisses the center of the bombs.)
I want to put my lips on his ignition fuse. I want to put my tongue on the very core of…
MIKE
Alright! That’s enough!
(Angie is broken from her trance and Stanley pulls away from her.)
SUE
(Confused, appalled, worried.)
She wants to boink a terrorist.
CATHY
It’s too weird!
MIKE
It’s sick!
SUE
It is.
ANGIE
(Hurt by their reaction.)
You don’t understand.
MIKE
Understand what? It’s just sick, Angie.
ANGIE
(Near tears.)
I have to have it.
SUE
What?
ANGIE
I need it.
MIKE
What?
CATHY
A bomb?
ANGIE
(Whispers, crying.)
I love him.
MIKE
Him?! Why?
ANGIE
(Accusing, hurt, loud.)
Because he’s what you aren’t!
MIKE
Well. Yeah. You got that right. I mean, look at this guy. Trench coat, bomb vest, sunglasses, what’s this from? The Tommy Hilfiger Terrorist Collection? Com’on, Angie, what happened to your standards?
ANGIE
Shut up, Mike!
MIKE
You find this regurgitation of preconceived ideas appealing?
ANGIE
At least he has the guts to go out and get what he really believes in!
MIKE
By blowing his guts all over the place? Some guts, Angie. This clown’s career lasts a nanosecond. Mine will last forty years. Which really takes more guts?
If you spread passion out over forty years it’s too thin to feel.
So you want it all at once?!
Yes! Forever!
MIKE
It can’t happen that way!
(Angie runs to Stanley and grabs the bomb cord. She holds it tight, threateningly.)
ANGIE
It can!
CATHY
Oh shit!
(Cathy and Sue are frightened. They step backwards. Mike is hurt and just feels pain and jealousy. Stanley is unsure about what Angie is doing but doesn’t resist.)
Angie! Don’t do it!
ANGIE
I will!
MIKE
(He has no energy left to fix their problems.)
Go ahead.
ANGIE
(Surprised he would say that.)
What?
CATHY
I’m outta here!
(CATHY exits. Sue backs up to near exit.)
MIKE
Do it!
SUE
No!
(Angie is scared now. She doesn’t know if she can pull the cord. She wants Mike or Sue to stop her.)
ANGIE
(Crying.)
I will!
MIKE
Do it, dammit! Get it over with.
ANGIE
I’m so sorry.
SUE
Angie, please stop!
ANGIE
Mike. Mike. I want to…. (She turns away from Mike. She still holds the cord but now faces toward the audience. She composes herself and speaks in a forcibly calm but sad manner.) I just don’t see where we can go. There are some things that I feel I have to have. It’s really nothing to do with you.
MIKE
Just say it.
ANGIE
Mike, I want you to know that I love you but I just…
Just say it!
ANGIE
I just think that we would be better off if… We just… I just…
MIKE
Angie… Say it. You have to.
ANGIE
I want to break up with you.
(Angie falls into Stanley, sobbing, still holding the cord. Stanley is confused, not sure what’s going on or what he’s supposed to do. He doesn’t touch her.)
SUE
Oh Angie. You fool.
MIKE
(He is hurt deeply. He fights off crying. Speaks to himself.)
What a mess. What a stupid, dumbshit mess.
ANGIE
(Her face buried into the bombs. Sobs.)
I’m so sorry.
MIKE
Yeah. Sure.
(Mike crosses to the shoebox. He stuffs the shoe into the box with the other one. He puts the lid on the shoebox and carries it over to Sue. MIKE hands the shoebox to Sue and exits.)
SUE
You really blew it.
ANGIE
I know.
(After a pause, SUE exits.)
(Angie releases herself from Stanley and wipes her eyes and recovers. She steps away from him, turns to evaluate what he is.)
ANGIE continued
I’m giving everything up for you.
(Angie goes to him and pulls his head to her and kisses him and holds it. Stanley doesn’t touch her with his hands but doesn’t resist. She pulls back sharply and pushes him away.)
ANGIE continued
You aren’t just a whim? Right? You’re not just a turn of a phrase or a fashion trend? Are you? Are you?! Tell me this: If a bus was about to crash and you could…? Forget that. How about: If the Cubs win the World Series would you…? No. You definitely wouldn’t. Tell me: Are you really connected directly to your being? I want you to be. I want you to be so much.
(She goes to kiss him again and then she pulls him into a dance that takes them in a revolving waltz to stage left. Then she violently pushes him away again but holds onto the cord. She grabs his coat to stop from going so far back that the cord goes tight.)
ANGIE continued
I can do it. I can be like you. You ready? Err lick too… Um Err lick too…vane eck… Err lick too vane eck lack meeko…. Fuck it.
(She looks into Stanley’s eyes and pulls the cord tight. Lights out and the guitar riff is heard but a spot comes on where Stanley usually stands. Sue and Mike enter from where Stanley enters. They are twirling in waltz-like steps and end up in the spot light. They kiss passionately. Lights gradually up full and the guitar fades. Angie drops the cord and runs to Mike and Sue. She doesn’t get close enough to touch. She just revolves around them in anger.)
ANGIE continued
No way! No! You can’t do this! This is so wrong!
(She pushes them apart.)
ANGIE continued
(Yells at Sue.)
How can you do this to me?!
SUE
It’s what you wanted, Angie!
ANGIE
No it’s not!
(Sue and Mike begin kissing again. Angie backs away from them. She’s hurt and near tears again. Mike and Sue break from the kiss and waltz back where they entered and exit stage. Stanley goes into terrorist mode and marches to the place where Mike and Sue kissed. He plants his feet, whips open his coat and grabs the cord.)
STANLEY
Err lick too vane eck lack meekoo sum!
ANGIE
(She runs to confront him.)
How can you do this to me?!
STANLEY
Uh…
I’ve given you everything!
Uh, um… (He tries to begin again.) Err lick too vane eck…!
(Angie grabs him by the coat or something and shakes. Stanley is confused. He looks at her, waiting.)
Stop it! How could I love you? Why?
(After a few beats, she lets go and steps back. Stanley tries again.)
STANLEY
Err lick too vane eck lack meek…!
(Angie jumps in front of him, waving her arms.)
ANGIE
Quit it! This is a formula for you, isn’t it? It’s just a preexisting methodology. A motif. A crutch. A contrivance. You’re using a guidebook! You’ve been showing me all this free will, all this desire to remove yourself from the bodily and sensory constraints. But you’re more tethered to the world than anyone! That cord isn’t your freedom, it’s your leash. You don’t feel anything I can’t feel! You’re just a lame metaphor. And I need more than that. Everything’s different now!
(Angie crosses away from Stanley. She speaks without looking at him. She’s sad but tries to be strong enough to finish what she needs to say. Stanley watches her and seems to be moved by what she’s saying.)
ANGIE continued
I just don’t see where we can go. There are some things that I feel I have to have. It’s really nothing to do with you. I want you to know that I love you but I just think that we would be better off if… We just… I just… I want to break up with you.
(ANGIE faces him for a few beats and then exits.)
(Stanley watches her leave and lets it sink in for a while. Then he goes back into terror mode but with less enthusiasm than before.)
STANLEY
Err lick too vane lack meeko sum! Wan let manna eye ento marklet no manna eye meekoo sum! Endo lok…
(He stops abruptly and looks from side to side. He slumps out of the terror mode. Sighs. He speaks to the audience in a very normal American voice.)
STANLEY continued
This has become one of those stupid philosophical questions. If a terrorist blows himself up and there’s no one around to be terrorized, is he still a terrorist?
(He is completely out of the terrorist mannerisms. He walks as he thinks for a few beats. He stops and as he speaks the next lines he begins to remove his terror outfit, starting with the coat. He spreads the coat out so he can put the other items in it and bundle them up. He takes off the hat, sunglasses and the bomb vest and lays it all into the coat.)
STANLEY continued
She’s right. It is just a lame metaphor. And Mike got it right too. It isn’t very original. But it’s the best I could come up with. I had to do something. Nothing makes sense anymore. Everything is different now. It seems like my life was right on track but way out of sync. I have everything I need. I’ve accomplished everything I ever wanted. But why do I feel so unfulfilled? Why do I feel a need to do something so big, so incredible that it will give me that elusive feeling of purpose, or accomplishment or whatever the hell it is that seems so unattainable in my normal life? It really pisses me off. I mean I could just…explode. Ha. Well, seriously, sometimes I get so frustrated it’s as if the only way to feel good is to blow something up. I don’t know why. I just want things to change drastically. Some kind of cosmic shakeup that gives me a reference point. But I really don’t want to hurt anyone, or kill anything. (A pause, a shift.) I killed a dog today. I was looking at the cat. The cat was running across four lanes of city traffic. I couldn’t believe no one hit it. Then there was this white blur to my left and boom. I skidded and stopped. He was a big white mutt. Short hair, long nose. Blood was spreading away from his head. His eyes were wide open and his mouth kept opening and closing. I didn’t know what to do. I mean what? Do you give a dog CPR or what? (He crouches down to lay the bombs into the coat.) All I did was pat him on his side. Like, “Good doggy. Good doggy.” (He pats the bombs.) He died a minute later. (Begins bundling the items into the coat.) It really made me feel terrible. But the more I thought about it I came to realize the dog died doing what he loved to do. What can be better than that? (Stands with bundle.) At the moment of his death he was in pure joy. He was chasing a cat. That dog was a terrorist, and he loved it.
CATHY
(Offstage.)
Mike? Angie? Are you guys done fighting yet? (CATHY enters and stops abruptly when she sees Stanley. She’s carrying a gift-wrapped shoebox.) Oh! Hi.
STANLEY
Hi.
CATHY
Where’d everybody go?
STANLEY
I don’t know.
CATHY
(Crosses to shake his hand. She’s nervous around him.)
I’m Cathy.
STANLEY
I’m Stanley.
CATHY
I know! I’m a friend of Angie and Mike.
STANLEY
Oh yeah. They’ve talked about you.
CATHY
Did Mike say I’m the cutest terrorist killer ever?
STANLEY
Well no. But I’m sure it’s true.
CATHY
Thanks. I got this for you.
(She hands him the shoebox.)
STANLEY
Me? Why?
CATHY
I was going to ask Mike to give it to you. That’d be silly now, huh?
STANLEY
Yeah, I guess.
CATHY
Open it. Go ahead, it’s not a bomb. Jeesh. Everybody’s so jumpy these days.
(Stanley puts his terror bundle down and opens the box. He is confused by what he sees. He pulls out an argyle sock and just looks at it for a few beats.)
STANLEY
This is unusual.
CATHY
Thanks! I was like, what do you get for a man who has everything?
STANLEY
Yeah. I certainly didn’t have this.
CATHY
I washed it. I mean, the freezer probably killed all the germs but you never know.
STANLEY
Cathy, I’m not sure I understand.
CATHY
There’s something inside it.
(Stanley reaches into the sock and pulls out a white card.)
STANLEY
(Reads card.)
Ten terrorist killing lessons.
CATHY
Cool huh? Don’t you just love killing terrorists! I do! (She fires missiles and bullets.) Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! (Giggles.)
STANLEY
(Confused. Not sure if he shouldn’t run away.)
I guess people do that.
CATHY
Oh yeah! It really, really feels so…like I mean sometimes I get so frustrated it’s as if the only way to feel good is to blow something up, ya know what I mean?
STANLEY
(Amazed she would say that.)
Yeah. I was kind of feeling the same way.
CATHY
Really? What a co, coinci…
STANLEY
Coincidence?
CATHY
Yeah, so you can’t make science out of it. That’s what my physics teacher always said. You can’t make science out of a coincidence. Ha. Only thing I remember. So you ready to kill some?
STANLEY
Physics teachers?
CATHY
No! Silly.
STANLEY
I really don’t know any terrorists.
CATHY
What about Angie? The stalker!
STANLEY
Who told you about that?
CATHY
A little voice in my freezer. Com’on.
(Cathy takes the sock and shoebox and puts them on the bundle and then guides Stanley to sit on the seat box. She sets the game controller in his lap and stands behind him to observe and instruct.)
STANLEY
I don’t know how to do this.
CATHY
That’s why I’m giving you lessons. OK, look, the way it works is the terrorists are hiding in caves. You fly your F-22 and look for them on the radar screen. When you see one, you smoke him. Got it?
STANLEY
I don’t smoke.
CATHY
(Playfully smacks him on the head.)
Com’on, this is serious.
STANLEY
OK.
CATHY
(Points to the screen.)
There’s one there. Get ‘em dead, Stanley!
STANLEY
How do I know he’s not an innocent bystander?
CATHY
Innocent bystanders aren’t ugly like him.
STANLEY
Yes they are!
CATHY
They don’t live in caves with anti aircraft missiles.
STANLEY
But maybe he’s just fighting for his freedom.
CATHY
Stanley! Kill his Goddamn ass!
STANLEY
OK, but first I want to know…
CATHY
Ahhh! Lookout! That’s a missile!
(Cathy lunges to sit next to Stanley on the seat box. She reaches to grab his hands and operate the game controller.)
CATHY continued
That was close! You see? He tried to kill you!
STANLEY
Well of course he did. I’m invading his country.
CATHY
You can’t think that way! Your job is just to kill them all.
STANLEY
I can’t do that.
(Their faces are very close. Cathy is distracted by finally being close to him and Stanley is starting to sense there’s an attractive young woman practically sitting on his lap.)
CATHY
You have to. It’s war.
STANLEY
Against who?
CATHY
(Breathless.)
I don’t care.
(They begin to kiss. It evolves into something very passionate. SUE and MIKE enter dancing waltz-like as they did previously, going down the same path that Stanley used for his entrances. When Sue sees the couple kissing she abruptly pulls away from Mike. She is frozen in shock. Mike is less interested in Cathy and Stanley. He’s wondering why Sue stopped dancing.)
SUE
This is too much. Com’on.
(SUE takes MIKE’s hand and angrily leads him off stage. Cathy and Stanley sense that someone spoke and they come up for air. They look around but no one is there.)
STANLEY
Who was that?
CATHY
I don’t care.
(They kiss again.)
(ANGIE enters and is surprised by what she sees. She’s hurt and jealous. She watches for a while and then approaches them.)
ANGIE
Is that the elusive feeling of purpose you were searching for?
(Stanley and Cathy stop making out and look at Angie but they continuing holding each other.)
ANGIE continued
Is this your life changing action, Stanley? The big statement that will get worldwide attention?
(Stanley pulls out of Cathy’s arms and stands.)
STANLEY
Angie, you’re not supposed to be within five hundred feet of me.
ANGIE
Arrest me.
STANLEY
I don’t think there’s anything else we can talk about. I am just not whatever it is you wanted. I can’t help it. So, just cut out all the freakout shit, OK?
ANGIE
I wasn’t interested in who you are, Stanley. I was interested in what you said you wanted to be.
STANLEY
I didn’t sign a contract saying I’m going to blow myself up.
ANGIE
You promised me. Remember? Remember what we were doing? In bed?
CATHY
(Turns away from them and puts her fingers in her ears.)
Waa ooh waa ooh waaa ooh
STANLEY
It was fantasy. It was for fun. I was never going to do it for real.
(Now that she’s facing away, Cathy sees the video game screen. She picks up the controller and starts flying a fighter jet while Stanley and Angie argue.)
ANGIE
It felt real. You wore the bomb vest when you fucked me.
STANLEY
Stop it!
CATHY
(Without turning to face them. She’s freaked out.)
Omigod.
STANLEY
(To Cathy)
I wasn’t real.
ANGIE
It felt real!
STANLEY
Yes it did! And it felt great! I’ll admit that. I enjoyed the hell out of it, Angie.
ANGIE
So did I.
CATHY
Omigod.
STANLEY
But that’s as far as it could go!
ANGIE
You said you wanted it to go farther! You lied to me!
STANLEY
It was in the heat of passion for Christ’s sake! It was meaningless, like some kind of term of endearment.
ANGIE
Right. Just like, “Oh you little snoogums, you make me want to explode!”
STANLEY
Well yeah. Something like that.
ANGIE
What are you going to tell her? Oh baby baby please hold my joystick?
STANLEY
Angie!
CATHY
(Without turning from her game.)
I’d like that.
STANLEY
Why can’t you get over it?
ANGIE
I can! (Switching to calm.) I have. It’s just that I relied on you so much. It really hurt. It hurt to realize that you couldn’t be anything but who you are. It wasn’t fair to you. I know. I’ve been sucking at fairness lately.
(There is still some chemistry between Angie and Stanley.)
STANLEY
Well, I wanted it too. I meant what I told you. I believed it at the time. It really was so exciting.
ANGIE
It was.
CATHY
(Still in her game.)
Well, who’dda thunk a bomb vest would be such a great sex toy?
STANLEY
I just wish it didn’t have to end that way.
ANGIE
Me too.
CATHY
If you two get back together I’m going to kill you both.
ANGIE
We’re not. Are we?
STANLEY
I don’t think so.
CATHY
(She shoots a terrorist.)
Motherfucker!
ANGIE and STANLEY
We’re not!
CATHY
Don’t mind me. I’m just killing terrorists.
STANLEY
It’s just this is the first time we actually talked about it without arguing.
ANGIE
Sorry about that. I’m impatient when it comes to spontaneous changes.
STANLEY
Angie, I really believed I wanted to do something, buy something, make something that would send a message or send something that would get attention and help make the world a better place. But I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I don’t have enough money to buy something that big. I can’t blow anything up that’s big enough to stand out in this world of things blowing up all the time. It’s just out of my league. And anyway, I’m not sure that’s what I really needed. I had a desire for something and when you came around I thought it was the passion that you were looking for. But it wasn’t. It was something else, I guess.
ANGIE
Looks like you’ve found it. Maybe all you really needed was an airhead half your age.
STANLEY
It’s not like that.
CATHY
(While playing the video game.)
Yeah, I’m not half his age. I’m only twenty-two.
(Stanley gives a sad look at Cathy. ANGIE laughs and exits. Pause as Cathy plays the game. Stanley goes to pick up the terrorist outfit bundle and the shoebox.)
STANLEY
I’m sorry about that.
CATHY
(She doesn’t pause from the game.)
No problem. Angie’s a wacko.
STANLEY
I’m kind of upset right now.
CATHY
I’ll bet.
STANLEY
Angie’s just…I don’t know. She’s just…
CATHY
No worries, Stanley.
STANLEY
I’m going to take a walk.
CATHY
OK.
STANLEY
Thanks for the…sock.
CATHY
You’re welcome. You still want terrorist killing lessons?
STANLEY
(Smiles, goes toward exit.)
Yeah, sure. I’d like that.
CATHY
Great!
STANLEY
Let’s get together in a few hours, OK?
CATHY
You bet! Uh oh! I got one! Target on line! It’s coming, it’s coming, it’s coming!
STANLEY
(Overlapping her, as he exits.)
I’ll see you later, Cathy!
CATHY
OK! See ya! (Back to the fight.) Go, go, go, go! It’s in! It’s in! Yes! Yes! Yes! (She is overwhelmed by what happened with Stanley. She drops the game controller and turns away from the screen and smiles big. She lays back, infatuated.) I cannot believe he kissed me!
(CATHY rises and exits opposite of where Stanley exited.)
(SUE enters angrily along the terrorist path. She’s trying to button up her blouse. MIKE follows behind. He’s upset and worried as he’s trying to stuff his shirt in and bring order to it.)
MIKE
I’m sorry!
(Sue doesn’t have the patience to finish the buttoning and in frustration she kicks the game controller.)
SUE
Goddammit! I’m so sick of this!
MIKE
If you’d just tell me what to do, maybe I can…
SUE
I can’t because then I’d know you’re going to do it. It’s got to be a surprise.